wild animal kingdom

The cats are displeased with this law school schedule. It is disrupting the natural order of things.

First, I should explain a little about how rank works in our household. My cats are not what one would call liberated feminists. No, my husband, as the only unneutered male in the household, is unquestionably alpha. Regardless of the fact that I was the one who wanted a cat in the first place, regardless of how often I feed them or change their litter, the cats feel that my husband has the required equipment for alpha status and I, merely his alpha female, do not.

When I was home every single night, I was accepted as the highest ranking female partner of the man who is truly the cat's meow. They might squabble amongst themselves for rank order after me, but my position was unassailable.

However, my oldest female cat, a rescued street cat of indeterminate age, has decided that my periodic absences are an indication that I have resigned from the alpha female position. Her adored alpha needs a female with a little more stability. I am clearly too flaky for the job. She accordingly moved onto my pillow two nights ago, when I was up at my apartment, taking my nighttime position next to my husband. The next morning, at first light of dawn, she lovingly groomed his hand until he woke up.

Minus the fact that cat tongue on one's hand at dawn is a remarkably startling way to wake up, this situation was acceptable while I was at school. The bed is big enough that both the new alpha female and my husband had plenty of room.

Last night I returned home, disrupting the new order. At bedtime, the new alpha female was waiting on my pillow. The rank issue had to be settled. So I tried to move her over. She protested loudly. I pushed her away. She swatted at me. I picked her up, and dropped her on the floor. She angrily jumped back up on the bed, tail swishing madly. The younger cats watched in fascinated silence, reordering the pack in their heads. This was going to be an epic battle.

And it was. My competitor beat a tactical retreat while we were falling asleep, but made her move later, slipping between me and my husband in the bed. I rolled over, got a face full of cat fur, and groggily tossed her off the bed. She again retreated, and again returned.

We finally threw all cats out of the bedroom early in the morning and closed the door. Opposable thumbs always win.