a layman's guide

I've been reading a lot of Supreme Court cases lately. The cases are often wonderfully written and entertaining.

Today I read a famous jurisdiction case, Burnham v. Superior Court. I always aim to serve the public here, and so I present to you an unofficial translation of Burnham v. Superior Court.

Scalia: I'm totally right. I've got tradition behind me and everything. I rule. Yay me. (Scalia talks about tradition in transient jurisdictional analysis for pages and pages.)

Brennan: Ohmigod, you totally suck. Hahahaha. (Brennan writes, "Notwithstanding the nimble gymastics of Justice Scalia's opinion today, it is not faithful to our decision in Shaffer.")

Scalia: No, YOU suck. (Scalia writes, "Thus, despite the fact that he manages to work the word "rule" into his formulation, Justice Brennan's approach dos not establish a rule of law at all...")

Brennan: Um, whatever. (Brennan writes, "I believe that the approach adopted by Justice Scalia's opinion today ... is foreclosed by our decisions in International Shoe Co. .v Washington and Shaffer v. Heitner.)

Scalia: Brennan did a circular logic, Brennan did a circular logic! Doood. You're so not even a lawyer. (Scalia writes, "Justice Brennan's long journey is a circular one, leaving him, at the end of the day, in complete reliance upon the very factor he sought to avoid.")

White: Ohmigod. Scalia totally schooled you, Brennan. (White writes, "I join Parts I, II-A, II-B, and II-C of Justice Scalia's opinion.")

Stevens: Why can't we all just get along? (Justice Stevens writes, "... the historical evidence and consensus identified by Justice Scalia, the considerations of fairness identified by Justice Brennan, and the common sense displayed by Justice White, all combine to demonstrate that this is, indeed, a very easy case.")

Scalia: OK.

Brennan: OK.

White: OK.

Scalia: That petitioner dude, he totally sucks, doesn't he? (Scalia affirms the judgment against Mr. Burnham.)

White: Dooood. (White concurs with Scalia.)

Brennan: Me too! Me too! I don't like him either! But I didn't like him before Scalia didn't like him. (Brennan concurs with the judgment against Mr. Burnham.)

Stevens: Doesn't that give you the warm fuzzies? (Stevens concurs.)

All Justices together: Dooood. Mr. Burnham, you totally suck. We affirm on your ass.