for the special students

[I've been very impressed with AmbImb's law school advice project, Blawg Wisdom. I recommend it to anybody looking for advice on law school. AmbImb has done a fantastic job.

However, there is always room for more advice, especially for those of you who know you're going to get 4.0s going in. -Ed.]

My dear 1L,

You’re a very special person, somebody who stands out from the rest of the 1L crowd. You don’t need the advice given to those other 1Ls. Because I truly appreciate and admire how special you are, I’ve compiled the advice that you need in one handy place.

In case you haven’t noticed, lawyers drink a lot. I suggest you start now so that you are in optimum form by the time second year OCI rolls around. You don’t want to be the loser who gets drunk off of one girly fruity drink at the firm reception. That’s a surefire way to not get a callback. And for God’s sake, stop drinking anything that’s pink. That’s not a drink, it’s a Barbie™ "Math is Hard so I’m a Lawyer" accessory.

You’ve heard law school is competitive. Now is the time to sharpen those talons! Don’t smile or greet your fellow classmates. They just want to gouge your eyes out as they climb ahead of you in the rankings. Acknowledgement is a form of weakness. Pretend you don’t see them. If they insist on talking with you, roll your eyes frequently. They shouldn’t be wasting the time of somebody as special as you.

Even though you are practicing your drinking skills, avoid all invitations to 1L parties. Be sure to sniff loudly about how you don’t like the alcohol-doused nature of these parties because "everybody just gets drunk." For extra points, mention how you would prefer a meeting to discuss Federal Rule of Civil Procedure 11 but "nobody will join me for that." Don’t worry – nobody will actually take you up on that offer! This is called "lying." It’s good practice!

Frequently mention your 175 LSAT score in conversation. That always goes over well!  One particularly successful technique is  to mention your LSAT score and then mention how you are sure there is a qualitative difference in intelligence between a person who scores a 174 and a person who scores a 175. That really reels them in!

If you are male and are in criminal law discussing rape, be sure to raise your hand and tell one creepy anecdote involving animal sex. Make sure that the female rape victim is compared negatively to whatever female animal  you’re using. Guffaw heartily at the end. Don’t worry if nobody else thinks it’s funny! They’re all secretly laughing, but lack the courage to really tell it how it is.

If you are female and are in criminal law discussing rape, make sure you raise your hand at some point and scream obscenities at the males of the class for having masculine genitalia. Again, don’t worry if your bovine classmates don’t stand up and cheer "Womyn Power!" with you. They really agree, but look what The Man has done to them! Luckily, you know better.

The professors really like people who vigorously waive their  hands in answer to every question. Don’t worry if you don’t actually know the answer. The whole class secretly loves your rambling anecdotes, but they’re jealous that they didn’t think of your brilliant insights. Some people, those jealous ones, might claim that this sort of behavior does no good because the exams are anonymously graded. Please. Maybe their exams are anonymously graded, but we all know that the exams of special students like yourself are set aside and carefully given A’s due to your brilliant in-class participation.

Most importantly, however, always remember how very, very special you are.

Regards,

T.